Regrets
by etherealloveliness
Summary: LJ. "Don't you ever regret anything we did, Lily, you hear me? Don't you ever regret it." James leaves Lily with a few parting words, and three months after graduation, she can't help but miss him. Romance, bittersweet, bit of angst sprinkled in. R&R!


_Who doesn't long for someone to hold?_

_Who knows how to love you without being told?_

_Somebody tell me why I'm on my own_

_If there's a soulmate for everyone_

_-Soulmate, _Natasha Bedingfield

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"Don't you ever regret anything we did, Lily, you hear me? Don't you ever regret it." A few tears shed, a quick kiss, and he was gone.

She still remembered the warm echo of his laughter and the exact shade of his hair. She remembered the honey-and-grass smell that clung to him and the smooth contours of his muscles. But most of all, Lily remembered the star-strewn nights they spent together, of wild kisses, of roaming hands, of the thrill of secrets. And she ached for his touch.

But he was gone, gone as the sunny days of Hogwarts. Perhaps if they hadn't kept quiet, her future wouldn't look as empty and utterly bleak as it did now. Love was a fickle thing, Lily decided, and was to be treated as such. But maybe if they hadn't been so young and naïve, things would have turned out differently, and she wouldn't be sitting in a tiny flat in London, alone.

Lily set her book down to pick up a picture on the table. The people inside the miniature world were laughing merrily and smiling. That, too, she remembered. The Marauders and herself were by the lake, the last day of school, taking myriad pictures for the heck of it. She hadn't planned on not seeing them after graduation. In fact, she had meant to owl Remus last night, ask if he might want to have tea with her or something along those lines. Lily let out a sad sigh, gazing at herself in the photo—she seemed a lot happier than she was now—and noticed James' arm was subtly snaked around her waist. She peered closer as the Lily in the picture leaned into his chest.

Occasionally, she could hear the thrum of her heart, beating out a jagged rhythm, bloodied and broken. It hadn't used to be like this. She wished for the time when her heart had been sound, even without his touch, because Lily had known he was there. For all she knew, now he could be halfway across this godforsaken country. The only things she had of him were creased pictures and memories faded at the edges. And yet, she remembered the little things such as his quirks, such as how he would secretly write her love letters and send them to her in the form of charmed paper airplanes. How he gave her roses and showered her with kisses whenever she looked _too _fragile and desolate. Lily missed him with every fiber of her being, even when her heartstrings began to unravel, even when she felt hot tears spilling down her cheeks in desperation.

Maybe it was just nothing more than a short-lived school romance. She wanted nothing more than to see him again and if she was lucky, share a convivial embrace. Lily utterly hated him for leaving her like this, in this hopeless impasse, and in the same moment she wanted those empty nights filled with their passion.

Rain pelted against her window. In London, the sky was forever bleeding grey, nothing like the welcoming weather of Scotland. Lily wanted out, to get away from it all. She hated being cooped up in here, nose buried deep in her studies, thoughts of her school days plaguing her mind. She grabbed her cloak and some money before heading out to face the torrent of biting raindrops. Icy coldness crept through her layers of clothing, and Lily shivered, freezing from the inside out. Water dripped down her face before she Apparated outside of a Muggle teashop.

A quaint bell chimed as she walked in, wringing out her orange tresses and shuddering from the inescapable cold that lingered around her like a cloud of smoke. Lily walked wearily up to the counter. "Black, please," she asked without eyeing the menu. "Plain, no milk or anything," she added before the girl there had a chance to get any more money. She hurriedly paid and went to sit down.

The tea was promptly delivered to her table and she sat staring at it for a minute before she started drinking. Lily nearly spilled it over her top as a familiar voice sounded behind her. "Mind if I sit here?" Remus asked politely, soaked and smiling.

Lily gaped at him for a moment. She shut her mouth and gave a slight nod. "'Course, Remus." He took a seat opposite of her and Lily wracked her brain for something to start a conversation with. "So…how've you been since graduation?"

He smiled at her obvious discomfort. "I've been fine. With my, er, _illness_," Remus said hesitantly, "it's been rather difficult trying to get a job." His lively attitude dampened swiftly. "I dunno, I'm thinking about trying to find a job in Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley. It is not the best, but really, I'm going to be lucky getting employed at all."

Lily took a slow sip of her tea and held back a grimace. She really should have gotten milk with it. "Well," she started, "I think that's a great idea. Bloody people and their bloody prejudices. I could help, I think, if it doesn't turn out well. You're a good bloke, Remus." Lily shivered again as her clothes began to dry. London wasn't supposed to be this frigid in the summer, she thought wryly.

"How are you been holding up?" Remus ran a hand through his hair in a manner similar to James. Lily couldn't help but cringe.

"Um, I've been better." She looked at Remus tentatively and started playing with a button on her cloak. "I took up an apprenticeship with St. Mungo's. They teach you some rather nifty spells." Lily let out a breath dejectedly. "But I miss Hogwarts. This is the first time I've heard from any of you. It's lonely, you see."

Remus looked surprised. "Wait, you mean James never owled you?" When Lily shook her head, he swore lightly. "I made him swear he would do that over the summer. I'm sorry, Lily. I guess it's been kind of rough for him and Sirius with Auror training."

"Auror training?"

He frowned. "I told him he was stupid. There's a war going on, and pranks aren't going to save you, I said. You think he listened to me though?"

Lily felt her lips twitch up in a grin. "Nope. Knowing him, that would only increase his determination to squash your assumptions. Am I correct?"

"Very."

She couldn't think of anything to say after that, so they sat in a strangely comfortable silence. Lily sat in her chair, pondering what had happened to the other three of the Marauders. How were James and Sirius faring? What on earth was Peter doing? How, in Merlin's name, were they all there with out adult supervision or parental guidance? Surely they weren't _living on their own_? After experiencing firsthand what kind of mischief they got up to during the night back in school (they were, after all, the epitome of mischief itself) Lily could only venture to guess they hadn't curbed their nasty habits once graduated.

"Well, I should be going. Peter is expecting me in half an hour for a party he's throwing." At Lily's highly dubious expression, he let out a rough chuckle. "I know, I wouldn't have guessed Peter Pettigrew would ever throw a party, but Sirius and James are coming"—her eyes shined at his name—"so a load of people will be there. Bye, Lily. If you ever want to, you know, catch up, feel free to owl me. See you around," he shouted amiably as he stepped out of the door and Disapparated with a _crack! _just as Lily was about to mention that he should bring James with him next time they met. But he had left without her saying it and Lily slumped over with a dull forlornness.

Somehow, her heart felt even emptier than before.

Lily made her way back to her apartment, letting herself drown in evanescent shades of gloom on the way. Her eyes burned as she sniffled, shattered, wishing someone would come to sweep her off her feet. No one did.

She left footprints of water in the foyer but was too tired to care as she flopped down into a vacant armchair. "_Lumos_," she murmured sleepily to the darkness. The tip of her wand lit up and warmed the space around her. Lily couldn't figure out what it was, but something didn't feel right. _She _didn't feel right. It was like a weak fluttering in chest, her spirit trying to bubble up, and it was halfway to the top before ceasing. _A glass half full, a glass half empty_. Lily couldn't decide which as she let the dark waters of sleep lap against her.

When she at last brushed off any remaining vestiges of unconsciousness, Lily heard a scratching sound at her window. An…owl? Indeed, a large barn owl, its feathers matted to its body and water rolling off it, looked quite peeved, giving Lily an obstinate glare and it pecked at her window again. She hurried over and let it in. The owl refused to give the letter in its talons to her until it had dried off and situated itself in her armchair. Her own owl was wary and decided to stay away.

"Can I please have it now?" she demanded, placing her hands on her hips. Really! And it was only an _owl_! Reluctantly, it gave the parchment to her, which was surprisingly dry. Lily assumed was nestled in the owl's feathers while it had flown over here. She unwrapped the crimson ribbon and let shock grip her as the letter opened up.

_Dear Lily,_

_I'm terribly sorry for the lack of communication this summer. In the past, well, you'd seemed more than unwilling to exchange addresses last summer, so I had ventured to guess that this summer was the same. Nope…Remus came over this afternoon—said he'd seen you, had tea with you. You apparently looked sad enough that Moony yelled at me. You wouldn't've expected it from a guy like him, but blimey, he has vocal chords! Scared the living daylights out of me._

_So, uh, I've been great. Auror training is going well, and having Sirius there sure helps. You do _not _want to be an Auror. For one, it's very time consuming, and two, no offense, or anything, but I don't think you would like it. All these hexes and curses flying back and forth! You wouldn't even know they existed! Well, you probably would, but normal people like me wouldn't._

_Anyhow, I was wondering, if you aren't too mad, maybe you would like to accompany me to the shop you and Remus met? I think it would be nice. How does two sound?_

_Again, sorry for the lack of communication! It's been busy 'round here._

_See you soon,_

_James_

_P.S. Er…what's your address?_

For the first time in a while, Lily smiled. She hurriedly scrawled her address and said, yes, two would be fine, and sent the owl off. She had a sneaking suspicion James would have to find a new owl that would be willing to deliver notes to her. "Sorry," she called after it, and the owl blatantly ignored her. Lily made a mental note to apologize to James tomorrow.

Tomorrow, Lily found out as she went around her flat, tidying up, was too far off. It was only five and she was hopping around her flat with anticipation. She went to bed early and her chest didn't seem as hollow anymore. In fact, she would say, from a Healer perspective, that the long months of pain were only psychological, nothing more, and (not that the Healer would prescribe it) a long, hard snog should do the trick. Her dreams were sweet at last, filled with hazel eyes and bronze skin and soft lips. And maybe she felt a bit of love, liquid content overflowing.

Lily waited anxiously for him, watching the sun flicker over the endless vast of blue sky. He finally Apparated noisily before her and she felt like she was back in her dream. A sloppy grin spread out across his face. "Lily," he breathed, and took a step closer to her. "I've missed you," he whispered, like a secret between just the two of them. James leaned down and planted a kiss on her mouth, and suddenly she was alive, really, truly alive since the days of Hogwarts. She returned it with equal fervor, conveying as much as she could: she missed him, she loved him, she wanted him, she needed him. And they kissed until they were gasping for breath and their lips were swollen and their hair was tousled.

"Tea?" James suggested breathlessly and she nodded her head vigorously. This time she ordered her tea with milk, and everything was so much better. He traced circles on the palm of her hand, and she giggled like a schoolgirl. Somehow this was infinitely better than their lost days in nights laced with silver stardust.

James finished his tea and then looked in the bottom of the cup. "Never did do well in Divination," he announced, setting the cup back down. "It looks like the Giant Squid."

Lily shook her head in mockery, and said, "I don't think anyone was. Only the people who faked it right were the Professor's favorite, and then anybody else he constantly claimed would die some terrible death." She clutched her chest with drama. "I think I was one of those people. Personally, I find it an idiotic subject. That's why I quit in fourth year, before O.W.L.s, because I knew I wouldn't do well in a fictional class."

"For some reason, Wormtail was good at it," James mused, stroking his chin in thought. Lily shrugged and drank some more of her tea.

"You never know. Maybe a few people have the talent the rest of us don't."

"No, I'm pretty sure you're talented the whole way around. So what have you been up to these past months? I'm positive any job is better than an Auror's."

"You're not an Auror yet," she pointed out. "You may be in training, but you're not an Auror yet. However, I'm a Healer's apprentice. It's tiring and keeps me up most nights, just reading textbooks and researching side effects of diseases. It's impossible," Lily whined. "But I enjoy it, and hopefully I'll be a Healer soon."

"Lily, I thought we just agreed that you are good at everything. Don't complain about the things the rest of us can't handle." He gave her a crooked smile and a peck on the cheek.

Lily chuckled softly, twirling a piece of her hair around her finger. "Should we go back to my flat?" she questioned, biting her lip. She wanted to prolong James' visit, but she didn't want to stay in the old fashioned teashop any longer. She wanted James' touch eliciting pleasure out of her, and his soft words to render her helpless in his embrace. When he consented, they Apparated back to her flat and kissed. And that's when she knew.

"Wait. I"—kiss—"have to"—another kiss—"tell you something." He paused, but pulled her closer in his arms. Suddenly she couldn't look at him and she felt her cheeks flaming. Could she say this? Sure, she'd been waiting since graduation to tell him, but was too afraid of the slight possibility of rejection, to be crumpled in a heap like a marionette with cut strings, and sure, it was a natural reaction to have a hint of trepidation. Over the course of those three months, life had been hell for her, and now that he was back, well, she didn't want to lose that. And yet he waited patiently for her to speak.

Lily drew a generous breath, and choked out, "I love you."

He didn't say anything, just settling for kissing her head.

"James? I—"

"Sh. You don't have to say anything. I know. I love you too, Lily."

Relief flowed through her veins and she could have died happy right then and there, but was glad she didn't, because a second later James was snogging her and it was amazing. He always had been a good kisser, and she hoped he didn't lose that skill anytime soon. She drew back after a few seconds, a glimmer in her eyes.

"I don't regret anything, James. I really, really don't."

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**A/N:** And I really, really love this story. I spent the whole day on it and hopefully won't regret it tomorrow when I take my Bio midterm (God, does anyone like the Citric Acid Cycle or glycolysis? Psh, I don't!) so I hope you like it! Sorry if there are any mistakes.

For some reason, the Edit/Preview Document thingy isn't letting me add something at the top, so can I just say that _Soulmate_ by Natasha Bedingfield was a major influence? Also, I'm ecstatic I could finally write something before midterms! This story's been floating around it my head...it was neat seeing it come to life.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything, sadly.

**Reviews would make it worthwhile!**

Much love,

etherealloveliness


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